Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Graveyards

July 14, 2009 by Alicia Porter Smith

To enhance your status to a goth, ask, “Would you like to go on a picnic?” The goth will initially react with disgust at the thought of spending time outdoors in sunlight. Then add in a deeper tone “… in a graveyard?” The disdain quickly turns to glee. Suggest that the goth bring its notebook of poetry to share with you.

Bring a camera on this play-date to establish yourself as a kindred, artistic soul. Take pictures of the goth posing dramatically next to mausoleums and angel statues.

Don’t bring any food for the picnic. Goths don’t eat anyway.

graveyard

Posted in Entertainment, Places | 2 Comments »

Being Old

April 3, 2009 by Alicia Porter Smith

Goths Like to Be OldUnlike mainstream American culture, in goth culture, age is status. Ask a Goth how old an Eldergoth is, and it will respond with its own age as the minimum. Goths find a way to insert how long they have been gothic into any conversation. “I’m getting old. I’ve been coming to this club since it opened eight years ago!” If you happen to know the place opened five years ago, do not mention this. It will only incite either a) bitching about the club, “I guess it just seems like eight years because the club has gotten lame!” or b) further reference to age, “I must have forgotten because I’m getting so old.”

If you are sick of cultural youth obsession and wish to infiltrate the Goth social scene to gain elder status, be sure to do your research first. You must claim to have attended at least one seminal event in goth history where no one can verify your attendance, i.e. the Siouxsie and the Banshees tour when Robert Smith of The Cure played guitar, or a Joy Division concert. Then have a plausible excuse for your absence in social circles since the event: moved to a remote castle in Romania; married someone who wouldn’t let you express your true self; stayed home obsessively creating art; or was “sick of the drama.” Exercise caution. If you are over 40 and aren’t currently in a band or live in Los Angeles, you may become “the creepy one” or “the late bloomer” in the goth scene.

photo by pusgums

Posted in Traits | Tagged , , | 4 Comments »

Being “Sick of the Drama”

March 19, 2009 by Alicia Porter Smith

comedy tragedy masks
Drama can be defined as making a private conflict public. Goths who say they are “sick of the drama” are invariably the ones in the middle of it. Do not be fooled by this statement; goths like any excuse to be persecuted and misunderstood. They also believe goth social drama exceeds that of any other group, perhaps with the exception of the gay community. Do not point out that any group whose loosely-affiliated members spend extended periods of time together will experience conflict. Publicly airing fights, grudges and grievances is easier than ever with social networking and blogging. Never suggest that private resolution amongst involved parties is an effective strategy. Just let the goth “punish” the social scene with the ultimate snub: deleting their Facebook/MySpace/LiveJournal accounts and staying home on weekends. Take this opportunity to remove the goth from your friends list with guiltless impunity and never look back.

If a goth who is “sick of the drama” decides to switch to a slightly different subculture — e.g. the indie scene because it only requires a new haircut, a scarf, and skinny jeans — you will never hear the end of how much better this subculture is. The new scene’s people will be friendlier, smarter, and more mature until the music goes out of style or the “former goth” has sex with someone who is taken.

Posted in Sayings | Tagged , , | 4 Comments »

Graphic Novels

March 19, 2009 by Alicia Porter Smith

watchmen

Goths often are comic book geeks or have mated with one. Their interest in comics predates their gothness. Parents should be wary of small children interested in comics, as these are a gateway drug. Certain comics, such as Archie & Jughead, should not cause alarm. Comic books with actual comedy are not an early warning sign of gothdom. However, if you hear the words “graphic novel” from your child, move to an isolated ranch in Wyoming immediately and cancel all internet access. Watchmen, V for Vendetta, The Crow, The Sandman, Death the High Cost of Living and any Frank Miller books are red flags that you have a future goth on your hands. Or at the very least, someone who is unlikely to move out after they turn 18.

Posted in Books | Tagged , | 4 Comments »

Clove Cigarettes

March 17, 2009 by Alicia Porter Smith

 

sablecloveGoths love clove cigarettes. Is it because many cloves are black? Is it because they taste better? Is it because they are worse for your health than regular cigarettes, therefore beckoning Death at an accelerated rate? No one knows.

If you wish to befriend a Goth, strike up a conversation with, “Would you like a clove?” The goth’s eyes will light up. You may not be able to see the eyes under the shaggy bangs and eyeliner, but take my word for it. Cloves take longer to smoke than regular cigarettes, so you must have some additional conversation material prepared. Ask about the goth’s cat.

photo by Dan Tree

Posted in Vices | Tagged , , | 20 Comments »

Cats

March 17, 2009 by Alicia Porter Smith

photo by PentaxSLR

Goths love cats because they are elegant, independent, aloof, sleep a lot and throw up on things, just like Goths. Goth cats are named after ancient pagan deities or bands. There are no exceptions.

Each cat will have an elaborate origin story rivaling that of a superhero. No goth has ever gone to a pet store to buy a cat.

Pets are children to goths, even if they actually have children. This poses a problem when goths move in together, because the multiple cats as a group must somehow form a family a la The Brady Bunch. However, instead of hilarious hijinks, this usually results in cat pee everywhere.

Why cats? Because Goths need a familiar, and it’s harder to own a dog in an apartment.

photo by PentaxSLR

Posted in Animals | Tagged , | 4 Comments »

Websites with Black Backgrounds

March 17, 2009 by Alicia Porter Smith

gothic.netGoths have horrible eyesight from the strain of reading web sites with white text on black backgrounds. Don’t bother to look for a goth site or MySpace page without a black background. There aren’t any. You can only pray the text is white rather than red. Count yourself lucky if there are no dripping blood bars.

Metal fans rival Goths in black-background-induced eye strain, however Goths have the slight advantage of readable fonts.

Posted in Websites | Tagged | 2 Comments »

Procrastination

March 16, 2009 by Alicia Porter Smith

Goths like to procrastinate working on their great artistic masterpiece. And blog posts.

Posted in Irony | 3 Comments »

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.